Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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