I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
