it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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