my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
