I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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