so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
