Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
