We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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