ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
