I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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