So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
