I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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