I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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