Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
