just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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