All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
