Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
