Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
