At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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