My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
