Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
