I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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