im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
