I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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