Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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