it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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