One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.