nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.