I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dicks are not precious.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
