Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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