I accidentally had phone sex last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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