even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
