I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
