I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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