I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
