He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
