bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
