we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
