I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
And then he peed in my hair
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