Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You can't special order awesome
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
