So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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