I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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