you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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