Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
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i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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