I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
