Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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