I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
