he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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