2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
