no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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