Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
