today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
