i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
