You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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