theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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