It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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