FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
